Mourning

[Davion Highlander]

So I have perhaps a weird question.


What is considered an appropriate period of mourning in your eyes after the death of a partner before going into another relationship?

The reason for this is my step mother. My father passed away around 7 months ago. After a long terminal illness and then a fight with cancer. My step mother has announced recently to my brother (who she is much closer with given he lived in their house for several years) that she has a new bf and seems to be trying to push him into my brother and nephew's lives pretty strongly. Including inviting the new bf to the timeshare that she and my dad owned up north around Christmas. The same timeshare that we scattered my dad's ashes at in March.

It feels a bit off to me and a lot more off to my brother I think, but figured I'd ask and see if there is a consensus on this amongst a wider audience that doesn't know the personalities.

[warshipadmin]

Age dependent, I think. I had a couple of friends die in their 40s, and their SFs spent a very quiet couple of years afterwards, whereas 65+ there's a fair bit of FOMO/YOLO as the mortality/Alzheimers/serious illness probability ramps up.

[Johnnie Lyle]

There’s no real modern equivalent to the Victorian strict instructions.

A lot depends on the culture and the person in question - and, of course, the circumstances of both the loss and meeting the new person. Some people never are over it, some people are over it very quickly, and some are in the middle. It’s similar to the way people display grief - there’s a wide continuum of responses.

With bad relationships or situations where the person they loved was gone long before they died, a lot of the grieving process may have occurred before the person died. Conversely, some people may be doing things, like jumping into new relationships rather quickly because they have not processed the grief, or can’t handle being alone. The same actions can come from very different internal motivations, and sometimes the being alone or feeling a ticking clock can push you to healthy decisions as well.

You’re going to have to assess the situation for yourself, especially if you’re concerned about your stepmother’s wellbeing if she’s not moving along in processing her grief.

I don’t recommend approaching it from the “you’re moving too fast, it’s disrespectful” because that’s not likely to go down well - unless you want to torpedo things.

[Pdf27]

It's going to depend on a load of factors you haven't mentioned, but generally I would say that there is no issue with your stepmother being in a new relationship, but that bringing that relationship into places that you associate with your father is insensitive. I'm guessing given how long you've been on this forum that she's of retirement age and that her and your father don't share any children together?
I would assume that upset caused by it it is totally inadvertent - these are after all places she will associate with family and being happy, and she clearly wants your brother in particular to stay in her life - so you probably need to explain this to her in a way that she doesn't feel blamed. Something along the lines of "it's my first Christmas without my dad and going to place XYZ where I spent time with him and we scattered his ashes is still too raw for me". Might also be helpful (dependent on age) to emphasise that your nephew has lost his grandfather who he presumably loved and that your brother is worried about how the new BF is introduced to the situation - it's better to shift the focus away from what you and your brother think of the new BF since that's a whole other potential issue with you naturally measuring him against your father in your heads which is better avoided.

[Davion Highlander]

I think the thing from my perspective is that I expected her to move on. That doesn't surprise me. Dad was ill for their whole relationship and we knew for the last year that he was fading fast. So I'm not surprised or to be fair hurt she has a new bf. Plus we've never been that close to I don't have that emotional gut instinct.

My brother thinks the relationship started in June and she just told him about it now. My brother just won custody of his son and part of the court order is he has to stay at my stepmothers house (the place he was living with his gf and her sons wasn't big enough for my nephew to have his own room and his ex has made several pretty vile accusations about my brothers new gf, all false to the best of my knowledge). His lawyer is having a fit about a new figure moving into the house during the very early days of my brother having custody and my step mother is already pushing her new bf into the kids life in a way that my brother's getting more and more pissed about. The inviting him to the time share without even running it by my brother (who pays for said time share) angered him. It'll be the first time they go up there since we scattered the ashes and it will be my nephews first christmas with them all and his first without his grandfather.

Yeah my dad and her had no kids and she's always made out that me and my brother are "her" kids. I would say she see's me as her step son and my brother more as her "real" son. Both of us were full adults when she came into dads life.

I absolutely take the point about age being a factor. While it seems quick, I can see the logic of that. I can't really talk to her about it yet, as she hasn't actually told me yet. I've had all this from my brother over the last 2 weeks.

Oh and my brother's fear of this guy moving in... Is based on the fact he has left his wife to date my step mother and has temporarily moved in with his own mother (who is in her late 80s herself). So he thinks the guy will want to move in asap.

[Johnnie Lyle]

That’s a whole host of other reasons to be concerned.