Tales from my youth....

[Belushi TD]

My best friend from college succumbed to brain cancer over the summer, and his wife is having trouble coping with it. She recently asked people to post stories of Mike to help her feel better. Here's my contribution.

Then I shall have to take you back with me, a long way, in time.

It was the spring of my 27th year, and I was dwelling in a rectangular state, sharing housing expenses with Mike. We were working long hours for insufficient pay, as one does at that age. It became known to us that the band of brothers was preparing a formalized expression of togetherness, known as "Banquet", and the desire to attend grew strong.

Due to the aforementioned insufficient pay, we were unable to provide any flying organization sufficient funds to gain access to their services, and it became apparent that we would need to drive our motor vehicle across half a continent. Down the thoroughfare from the worksite, was a fairly well kept yard, whose owner apparently had a gnome fetish, as there were several, nay, dozens of the little concrete and ceramic fellows scattered about in playful poses and locations. Now, as I passed them every day, the thought gradually appeared in my mind that they had a sad and uneventful life, their vistas only changed by the march of seasons and the changing of weather.

Being the semi-hooligan I was at the time, I conceived the idea to abduct one, (as the kids say these days) for the vibes., but also to provide at least ONE of these concrete stalwarts who were so accepting of their existence, some stories to tell to his fellow gnomes.
On the morn of our departure, I was required to provide services to my place of employment and, following a fond adieu to my co-workers, I stopped at the gnome abode and absconded with one. Regretfully, the passage of the years has made me forget the name we dubbed him, so I will call him Gnomy as I relate this tale of adventure.

In order to provide Gnomy with evidence that his stories were, at least a little bit, based in fact, we decided to photodocument important events, such as the crossing of major geopolitical divides and time spent at bars. At each boundary, the vehicle was stopped, Gnomy emerged from the car, and posed in front of the "Welcome to *insert state here*. The first, of course, was Kansas, followed by Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, and I believe Kentucky, then West Virginia, followed by the state housing our final destination, Virginia. Mike and I took turns providing appropriate elevation for Gnomy to see and be seen at the signs.

Upon our arrival in Blacksburg, there was much rejoicing, both by us that the many hours of driving were over for a period of time, and by everyone else, that we had brought something more interesting than ourselves. Gnomy was instantly adopted by many, many people, and provided sustenance in the form of Busch and Marlboros, well known gnomish provender. Gnomy situated himself in the place of honor on the bar, where he was lord of all he surveyed. The women all wanted to date him, and the men all wanted to be him. Many of the women discovered that Gnomy was of a convenient size to fit comfortably in the top of their clothing, leaving their hands and arms free to both consume frothy malted beverages and hurl pointy metal objects at concentric circular targets.

The following day, Gnomy was a star at the Alumni softball game, being nominated and accepted as an honorary alumni. During the game, he went 5 for 5, batting for the cycle, and playing outfield like a pro. Many was the runner cut down at home plate by his deadly accurate throws from deep right field. Much photodocumentation occurred.

Upon completion of the game, we departed the field of play to dress for the evening's festivities. Suits and ties for the men, fine dresses for the ladies. As always, the ladies far outshone the men. Except for Gnomy. Continuing his activities from the previous night, Gnomy cut a swath through all the eligible ladies at the soiree, leaving a wake of broken hearts behind him.

But, all good things must come to an end, and Gnomy's adventure was one of them. After winning hearts (and dart games) deep into the night, Gnomy was in no shape to drive back to Denver, so the duty fell upon Mike and myself. With many a tearful goodbye, we departed the friendly confines of the 'Burg, for our long and relatively uneventful trip to return Gnomy to his brethren. Regretfully, we did not photodocument every major boundary we crossed on the return journey.

Upon our return, the film was developed, taking much valuable time. Much was our shock seeing some of the images, as Gnomy had been up to antics we hitherto had been unaware of. Some two weeks following the end of our epic travels, we returned Gnomy to his previous home, providing him with a large stack of photos to back up his stories. His expressions of thanks were fulsome and heartfelt. We were sorry to leave him, but we would not have felt right about keeping the little fellow away from his gnomish compatriots any longer.

Regretfully, over the ensuring quarter century, the documentation we collected has been lost to the sands of time and the sticky fingers of moving company employees....

TL:DR - Mike and I stole a gnome from a house near one of my job sites, took it with us from Colorado to Blacksburg, took pictures of the whole trip, brought him back to Denver, and left him on the front porch of the house we stole him from sitting on top of a thick envelope of photos of him in front of Welcome to Kansas type signs, sitting on the bar in the fraternity house, holding a beer and a cigarette, on the softball field, stuck in several people's shirts, at Banquet, after banquet, and I think there was a picture with Superduck. We were exhausted driving home, and I think we only got a picture in front of the West Virginia sign and maybe the Colorado sign. I think we were also out of film. LOTS of people took pictures with Gnomy.

[kdahm]

It's just a good thing that the house from whence Gnomy was absconded didn't belong to Old Man Henderson.