Error of judgement...

[Nik_SpeakerToCats]

Nik-Note: I do not know what spawned this, I just began writing and the words flowed...
--


"Huh ? Who are you ??"

"Mr. Gregson, I'm Henry Jones, your replacement lawyer--"

"Where's my Mizz Jones ??"

"My colleague declared a 'Conflict of Interest'. I've taken over your case."

"Huh ?"

"Now, I understand you wish to plead 'Not Guilty' at the Magistrates' Court, opt for a Jury trial ?"

"Yes, that bitch--"

"Mr. Gregson, I must urge you to re-consider--"

"Why, you--"

"Mr. Gregson, may I remind you of the details of your case ?

"Late on the 23rd of last month, you surprised a young female shop-worker as she walked to the bus station. Masked, you threatened her with a 'zombie' knife. 'We can do this easy, Bitch, or we can do this hard,' you said. 'Drop your pants.'

"CCTV coverage in that area is sparse, but a traffic camera on the next corner caught what followed in low-definition.

"Your intended victim slapped your weapon wrist aside. She drop-kicked your engorged cojones. As you folded, she upper-cut your nose. She kicked you in the side. She kicked you in the head. She stamped on your right hand, disarming you. Then, with you made safe, she stepped back, caught her breath and, with scant delay, woke her phone, dialled the emergency services."

"I... I don't remember..."

"Your nose was badly broken, your left cheek-bone fractured. Your right hand received multiple fractures, which will require extensive physiotherapy. You lost a mashed testicle and a split kidney. You gained a small plate in your skull, where urgent surgery relieved a sub-cranial haematoma that would have left you with, at best, severe brain damage.

"You are, what, six-feet seven, two-fifty pounds of pure muscle ? Brandishing a big 'zombie' knife whose possession 'on the street' is illegal three ways ? Hospital tests revealed that you supplement your extensive gym work with heavy steroid use. You were awash with alcohol, amphetamines and Viagra.

"I'm reliably informed that the long-term consequences of 'coming down' from that cocktail will be unpleasant.

"To put it politely, any jury would laugh at claim that your intended victim 'misunderstood' your 'chat-up line'. Or that her steel toe-capped safety shoes were an 'offensive weapon'...

"Also, your DNA plus 'style' comparisons have already matched two rapes, four sexual assaults and four indecent assaults in other towns. Their charges are pending. There may be more.

"You may regard yourself as a 'Hard Man', but that plate in your skull will leave you very vulnerable for your first years 'inside'. Should you rise to taunts that a slim shop-girl whupped your butt, remember that the least head-injury may cripple or kill you...

"Mr. Gregson, if you opt for a jury trial, you will suffer both extensive publicity plus the full rigor of the law. You may mitigate this by a 'guilty' plea before the Magistrates, claiming your judgement was impaired by drink and drugs.

"What's that ?"

"Yes. YES !!"

"Excellent. I will notify the necessary authorities...

"Oh, by the way, our Mizz Jones did not withdraw due to your repeated use of foul language and innuendo nearing the limit of her considerable professional tolerance. No, it was a genuine 'Conflict of Interest': Her children attend the same dojo as your intended victim--"

"Huh ?"

"Yes, Penny Green does Tae Kwon Do and Kendo.

"She is *beyond* 'scary': Her tag is 'Penny Dreadful'..."

[jemhouston]

Love it

[MikeKozlowski]

....Love it!

And the punchline was perfection.

Mike