KNOW YOUR ADVERSARIES: The Klingons
Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2023 11:39 am
MIKEYVERSE: KNOW YOUR ADVERSARIES: THE KLINGONS (PT.1)
BY Mike Kozlowski
Special thanks to Ambassador John Lyle (StarFleet, Ret.) for his thoughts and insights.
THE STARFLEET POCKET GUIDE TO THE KLINGONS
HARD COPY EDITION PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER 2299
STARFLEET PRINTING OFFICE
MAINZ DEUTSCHLAND TERRA SOL
FORWARD
The Federation’s interaction with the Klingon Empire has been, is, and shall remain a complex affair between two markedly different civilizations whose relations have swung between correct politeness to military action. It is impossible to cover every detail in a few short pages, but we hope to give you enough information to understand the basic structure of the Empire, its history, and its outlook on the rest of the galaxy.
NOTE: The Klingons are extremely reticent with outsiders about their history. There are many reasons for this, not least of which is that even by their own admission they aren’t entirely sure of its beginnings. Keep this always in mind when dealing with Klingons - a great deal of commonly available data is questionable at best and at worst utterly useless. In addition, much of what Klingons do reveal and present as their history tends to be reworded legends and tales - as if the Greeks presented the Iliad and the Trojan epics as their actual history. Information herein is, wherever possible, cross-referenced with Federation experts and official Klingon sources.
BRIEF HISTORY
The Empire has its roots starting about our 9th century CE. At that time the t’Hlingan were an ‘enforcer’ race for a group of highly advanced aliens known as the Old Kings. At that time, the Klingons could best be described as similar to feudal Japan in an early Industrial Age civilization. The Old Kings ruled an area believed to be far larger than the current Empire, but whose exact size is unknown. They used some subject races as a combination police force and army, and the Klingons were apparently the most trusted of these races. They were trained to use fairly low-tech spacecraft and weapons that they could operate but not maintain or build.
At about our year 810 CE, the Old Kings disappeared leaving only a warning about dying stars in the center of the galaxy. This left the Klingons with what was - for them - advanced technology that they could not duplicate. That was, however, the least of their worries, as a planet-wide civil war across Qo'noS began almost immediately and continued for several decades until a clan leader named t’Hchalesh - Kahless the Unforgettable - began to unify the planet. According to legend, three hundred clan leaders proclaimed their allegiance to him, and those clans became the Great Houses. Thirty of those became Kahless’ bodyguards, the first Warriors.
Kahless lived long enough to see Qo'noS for all practical purposes united and his ascension as the first Emperor. One of his first acts was to order a reverse-engineering program to enable the Klingons to go back into space - the surviving Old Kings tech was rapidly deteriorating to the point where it was almost all gone. To put this in perspective, the Klingons had to go from steam engines to impulse engines without having gone through any of the intervening steps. Best estimates are that it took approximately two centuries to get into space, and another hundred and fifty past that to get to impulse engine technology. However, the Klingons put this tech to use not to explore, but reconquer as far as they could the Old Kings’ empire. The result was that five centuries after the departure of the Old Kings they had basically stagnated as a society. This continued until sometime in our 18th century CE when the Klingons built their first warp engines. These were small, temperamental units that were frequently dangerous to their users, but over time they became more reliable and useful - but as the primary goal of the Empire was conquest, there was little incentive to continually improve as long as they were good enough to get troops to a planet and control the natives.
It was at this time that the Emperors, still descended from Kahless, began to spin out of control as progressively more unhinged and despotic even by Klingon standards. Conditions grew worse and the Emperors retreated into alcohol and brutality while the imperial bureaucracy essentially ran things. Finally, in 2049 CE Emperor Korris XII attempted to launch a purge of the senior military leadership. It is unclear whether or not Korris had actually stumbled upon a plot against him, or - as seems likely - he was suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, but the military leadership struck first. Korris was killed, and as he had no heirs, the generals placed Korris’ minister of war as the first Chancellor.
The new Chancellor, Mow’ga, understood that simply trying to reconquer hopelessly primitive worlds lost centuries before was a recipe for ultimate disaster, and that conquest had to be for new worlds that could contribute to the Empire. Accordingly, he made the decision to supplant the Ground Forces with the Fleet as the primary service. The ornate private ships built by the Great Houses would be replaced by standardized vessels manned by a professionally trained cadre, leading to the founding of the Imperial Fleet School in 2071. He also freed the government from the dead hand of the imperial bureaucracy by professionalizing the civil service and then took the daring step of getting the Great Houses under control by creating the juH qach Ii tuq, or House of Houses - a semi-independent legislature that gave all the Great Houses a voice in policy, although ultimate power rested with the Chancellor. Conquest would still be the main purpose of the Empire, but now it would be planned, managed, and controlled with the ultimate goal of becoming the dominant race in the galaxy.
The Klingons understood the concept of alien races quite readily, as they knew from the time of the Old Kings that there were many planets out there with similar races to them (NOTE: Federation xenobiologists have concluded that many of the Klingon ‘subject races’, nearly fifty in all, are sufficiently identical to Klingons that the possibility of the Old Kings colonizing those planets with them millennia before cannot be excluded) but their first true First Contact was in 2103 when they encountered a band of rebel Kzin who had been on the losing end of one of their interminable civil wars and were trying to escape. They were of course, promptly attacked and captured, beginning a long history of brutal conflict that continues to this day. The Klingons also found out about this time of the existence of the Lyrans, a distant offshoot of the Kzin, and working on the assumption that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, sent out their first deep space fleets to contact them, something they achieved in 2109, and concluded an alliance with them that is still in effect.
The Kzin and Klingons fought three wars between the 2120s and 2218, all to effective draws. The third, beginning in 2213 actually was going in the Klingons’ favor until the battle of Torlach in 2218, when a Federation scout fleet made first contact with both Kzin and Klingon by blundering into the middle of the fight. The Klingons had, quite frankly, ignored the idea of contacting other advanced races, were solely focused on the Kzin, and assumed that this was a tactical surprise aimed at them. Not knowing the nature and extent of the threat and, for the first time in their history facing the idea of being outnumbered, the Klingon fleets fell back. As they had already reconquered what had been lost in the previous conflict, the Empire grudgingly called it a win and began to study this new adversary.
Although the Federation had no desire to fight the Klingons, the Empire pursued a policy of intermittent and half-hearted diplomacy punctuated by raids and fleet actions that culminated in in two wars. The first (2226-2230) was a frankly confused effort on both sides that had no lasting effects other than to badly harm the Kzin fleets to the point where they were beyond offensive action for some years to come. The second (2256-57) was spurred by the T’Kuvma Rebellion (2252-57) among some of the Great Houses, who felt that it was necessary to occupy - or at least subdue - the Federation so as to insure Klingon survival. The war ended in a razor-thin Federation victory, but it was a very close-run affair. (NOTE: Legend has grown that a StarFleet strike team somehow managed to plant fusion devices on Qo'noS, which convinced the Klingons to finally end the war on favorable terms for the Federation. This story shall be treated here with the contempt it deserves.)
The T’Kuvma Rebellion did considerable damage to the Empire and the Fleet. Many officers believed they had been betrayed by the cease-fire, and some of the Great and Lesser Houses took advantage of this by subverting crews and officers and convincing them to be more loyal to their House than the Chancellor. This in turn led to a notable lack of control over the Fleet, to the point where many ships operated more as privateers than a unified force, and it was almost impossible to have an intelligent, coherent foreign and military policy vis-a-vis the Federation. Ship-to-ship combat was common, fairly good sized fleet actions not unknown. The Chancellors became more interested in holding on to what power they had left, and the Empire suffered as a result. Standards of living decreased, while political and social unrest was frequent and debilitating. Relations with the Federation devolved into a protracted cold war while the conflict with the Kzin and later the Hydrans boiled over on a regular basis. The Federation provided aid and assistance to both of those races short of actual combat forces, making the situation even more tense.
In the early 2280s, a new generation of technocrats began to come to influence and power within the Empire, and although they still firmly believed in Klingon superiority they also realized that the Empire was running on borrowed time. The Great Houses were fighting any form of control, and military budgets - needed to keep a fleet that could outnumber the Federation and its allies and patrol the Empire - were threatening to destroy the economy. Their unofficial leader was Gorkon, a former fleet captain and diplomat who had traveled widely through the Federation and knew that the Empire risked bankruptcy and collapse if it didn’t change direction soon. That change came in 2293, when the Qo'noS moon Praxis, an important source of energy materials, exploded due to a mining accident. The resulting shockwave was felt dozens of parsecs away across the Neutral Zone, and nearly stripped Qo’noS of its ozone layer. At that point, the choice was a simple one - extinction or peace. Gorkon became Chancellor, chose peace and opened formal negotiations with the Federation as well as the Kzin and Hydrans.
These overtures were met with great and clear mistrust by all governments concerned, but in the end it was too great an opportunity to pass up. Although the Cartwright-Chang Conspiracy came perilously close to derailing it by assassinating Gorkon, the end result was the Khitomer Treaty of 2293, permanently ending hostilities between the Federation and Empire and establishing full diplomatic relations as well as commerce, cultural, and travel agreements. When the Orion War erupted in 2295, an under-strength StarFleet found itself joined by two Klingon task forces, whose performance is often politely described as ‘enthusiastic’. To date (2299) the major source of friction between the Federation and Empire has been a marked Klingon tendency to bully and raid the new planetary republics formed from those planets that broke away from Klingon rule after the Khitomer Treaty.
KLINGON SOCIETY
The foundations of Klingon society are the House and the Caste.
GREAT HOUSES
According to tradition, the Great Houses are directly descended from the three hundred clan leaders who joined with Kahless to unify Qo’noS. Until the 2250s it was believed that there were only 25-40 Great Houses, but after 2218 it has since been determined that there are at least two hundred ‘active’ Great Houses, with an unknown number referred to as ‘dormant’. There are also a handful of ‘yejHa'' or ‘Secret Houses’, which apparently keep extremely low profiles and serve the Chancellor on missions of extreme sensitivity.
In theory, these Houses govern large areas of Qo'noS on behalf of the Chancellor in a manner similar to the feudal lords of Terra’s middle ages. They tend to be extremely wealthy, and they have a strong say in Empire policy and actions, as well as a virtual veto power over it. Chancellors, when named by their predecessors, must receive a majority of votes in the juH qach Ii tuq to take office. After the T’Kuvma Rebellion and the Khitomer Treaty, the Chancellors began to crack down on the independence of the Great Houses, and although they can still be restive, complete power is now more than ever centered in the Chancellor. The Great Houses, however, still exercise extraordinary influence over all aspects of Klingon life.
Great Houses consist of the Head of House (the founding family), Lesser Houses, and those clans or individuals who have sworn allegiance to the Head of House. The accepted title for the Head of House is ‘Lord’ (joH)or ‘Lady’ (Be') though some Houses still use their nobility ranks from the days before the Chancellors. The clans tend to be those who reside or work in the House’s area of control, though occasionally clans on the borders of those areas can change Houses. Individuals wishing to join a House may do so in two ways: Request or Invitation. Request is just that, but as a rule the individual must bring something of value to the table. A ‘no’ is either delivered with a beating and ritual humiliation, or a somewhat more pleasant “Come back another time and we shall speak again.” (Some Great Houses in urban areas actually conduct what can best be described as recruitment campaigns to gain needed skills, influence, or resources.) An Invitation was at one time extremely rare and was only exercised in the event of great service to the House. In recent decades, however, some Great Houses have released ‘honors lists’ yearly of individuals who will be invited to join the House. It should go without saying that a refusal on the part of said individual is considered a mortal insult, and usually dealt with as such.
The Invitation Ceremony is quite interesting - the candidate is asked to join the House, and they must reply with a long, detailed, and usually somewhat debasing confession of reasons why they are not worthy to do so. The candidate is asked a second time, and it is considered good form to surpass their previous confessions with another one. Finally, the candidate is asked a third time, and threatened with a remarkably unpleasant death should they refuse. The candidate then states his allegiance to the House, albeit under duress. The candidates are then treated to a banquet and are treated as full members of the House. There is also the Friendship Allegiance, which is a purely social construct - during moments of crisis, grief, or other momentous occasions, it is considered a display of friendship, loyalty, and support to proclaim allegiance to the House in need. These are never considered permanently binding, but if made the individual is expected to provide said support until the matter is past.
Relations between Great Houses can range from warm and friendly to flatly hostile, and organized combat between Houses is not unknown, though it has become a rarity in recent years as the Chancellors have made strenuous efforts to keep the Houses under control. Should StarFleet personnel find themselves in such a conflict, they are urged to demonstrate complete neutrality and evacuate the area as soon as possible. Great Houses also tend to be primarily represent a single Caste (I.e.; Warrior, Agriculture, Commerce, etc.) and direct family of those Houses are expected to go into those fields. Crossing from one to another is not unknown, but is socially frowned upon. Marriage between Houses is quite common, and as often for purely personal reasons as for business and political ones. At one time, all Great Houses maintained their own armed fleets, but since the T’Kuvma Rebellion the Chancellors have slowly disbanded them. However, it is expected that Heads of House will have at least one or two fast, luxurious, and heavily armed vessels at their disposal. The Romulan-designed Hvi nei'rrh (Bird of Prey) is a popular choice, as they are larger, faster, and more heavily armed than their Klingon counterparts.
LESSER HOUSES
They are essentially Great Houses in miniature, with a wide range of populations. These can vary from a few dozen to several hundred thousand. Lesser Houses tend to focus on specific technical aspects of Castes - for instance, their overall Caste might be Agriculture but the majority of their members are agricultural equipment mechanics. One major difference is that individuals and clans may declare allegiance to a Lesser House at any time with a simple declaration and the Head of House is required to accept them.
The Lesser Houses have a great deal of influence on the Great Houses as they supply the manpower needed to exploit the Great Houses’ resources. Trading and making deals for manpower and resources is a constant priority of the Lesser Houses, for if they shrink past a certain point, they are no longer worth the support of their Great House(s) - but by the same token, they need to insure they do not grow too large or influential, lest they pose a threat to their Great House. In such circumstances, Great Houses have been known at best to break them up, and at worst to downsize them with extreme prejudice. However, both sides traditionally try to avoid getting to that point. However, to that end, even the smallest Lesser Houses maintain security forces to insure that they cannot be coerced or attacked by other Houses.
There is a dark side to the Lesser Houses, in that more than a few are, quite bluntly, criminal in nature and answer to no Great Houses. Although some Great Houses are involved in organized crime, it is for the most part controlled and handled by Lesser Houses. In major cities, the Lesser Houses often control the gangs found in poorer parts of cities.
CASTES
One’s place in Klingon life is defined by one’s Caste. This should not be confused with the Hindu meaning of the word, as Klingons can usually shift from one caste to another, though some castes are less understanding about it than others.
The term caste in regard to Klingons is different than the old Hindu usage, in that mobility up- or down - is more than possible, and happens frequently at the clan level. As of this writing, there are more than five hundred identified castes and it is believed that there are at least that many more unknown to the Federation. They range from Theologian to Engineer to Clerk and literally everything in between. An interesting fact about the castes is that for a society as regimented as the Klingons, all jobs, no matter how menial, are considered valuable and worth doing. Consider these Klingon proverbs:
“ 'ach vutwI' neH ja'chuqtaHvIS jatlh veqlargh 'ej net jatlhbe' Hoch.”
- A street sweeper who serves the Empire is worth more than a Chancellor who does not.
“ 'ej Qu'vatlh; qeylIS pagh vItlhob.”
- All work is noble; and all workers glorious.
Until the mid 21st century, most Klingons lived and worked in the caste to which they were born. Crossing from one to another was not unknown, but was not encouraged and tended to be for specific reasons. The toppling of the Emperors created a massive social upheaval in which caste changing became more common and acceptable, though some, in particular the Warrior and Theological castes, frown on moving out except under very specific - and occasionally fatal - circumstances. When interacting with Klingon citizens on their home worlds, remember that they are as proud of what they do as you are of your career in StarFleet, and as deserving of respect and honor.
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
So much sheer misinformation about the appearance of Klingons has made its way into popular culture - and sadly, StarFleet training - that without some facts, personnel risk surprise and the possibility of an incident when actually meeting a Klingon for the first time.
Until 2293, direct contact between average Federation citizens and the Klingons was actually quite rare. The Klingons kept a legation at San Francisco, but usually the Consul and his bodyguards were the only ones to go about in public. StarFleet saw Klingons ‘face to face’ far more often, but usually under less than ideal circumstances. This, combined with some notable events in fairly recent Klingon history, has led to seriously distorted ideas of Klingon appearance.
Klingon males average approximately 1.88976m in height and approximately 131.54kg in weight. Warriors, especially from hereditary warrior families, tend larger than this. Klingon females average 1.55448m in height and 90.7184kg in weight. Defining characteristics of both sexes is three ridges on their foreheads and thick black hair, usually going gray by middle age. The Klingon lifespan is understood to be a maximum of one hundred and fifty years.
The first actual glimpses of Klingons was through viewscreens, and it was extremely difficult to get a good picture. They were, however, seen to be taller than average humans with dark hair and tan complexions, with the forehead ridges not present. It was later discovered that these were in fact Klingons, but ones who had been infected with a virus intended to create ‘augments’ - super soldiers like those who ravaged Terra in the 1990s. The virus, however, mutated after inadvertently mixing with Levodian influenza, and spread through the Klingon population. Its primary side effect was shrinking or in some cases erasing the cranial ridges and to essentially make Klingons look more human. Billions of Klingon citizens suffered; and almost every single member of the Fleet was affected as the virus spread faster and more completely in the closed confines of the ships. The initial infection was by all accounts extremely painful, but afterwards there were no lasting health effects - but no augmented abilities remained. The result, however, was that the Federation and StarFleet for some time considered the ‘ridged’ Klingons as a minority offshoot. By the 2270s, foundation Klingon genomes began to reassert themselves, and as of this writing are sufficiently reestablished to consider the augments a large but steadily shrinking minority.
A more problematic matter arose during the T’Kuvma Rebellion. A bare majority of houses supported the rebellion, and almost all the Warrior houses were in that number. As the tenets of the Rebellion were tradition, survival, and purity of essence, many Warrior houses supporting the Rebellion underwent a ritual purification called Qapchu', which roughly translates to ‘Quickening’, as in the sense that it brings the Warrior more quickly to purity.
Information on this ritual is sparse, but it appears that one component was the use of a harsh chemical depilatory to remove all hair from the body. These chemicals also had a side effect of tinting the skin odd colors - considered a bonus by Warriors who felt it added to their fearsome aspect. The first StarFleet personnel to confirm seeing these Warriors were crew members of USS Discovery (NCC-1031) during the Second Klingon War, and it was understood by StarFleet at the time that these Warriors did not represent the appearance of the Klingon race as a whole. However, a heavily and poorly fictionalized video program produced about Discovery just after that ship’s loss in 2257 showed all Klingons as having the features obtained through Quickening, and for reasons unclear this became a standard conception of Klingon appearance for many years. These warriors suffered a very heavy casualty rate during the Second War, and afterwards the Quickening was banned - on pain of Discommendation. No Quickened warriors have been seen since the early 2260s.
Klingons enjoy ornate uniforms and clothing. Males and females regardless of station or caste, often wear ceremonial daggers. StarFleet personnel are reminded that though these weapons may be ceremonial in nature, they are also still quite functional. Tradition demands that if drawn, the dagger may not be replaced in its sheath without the drawing of blood. Most Klingon women tend to wear very little makeup, as they consider its use pointless. If you see a Klingon woman in makeup, she is likely a high-born lady from a Great House.
DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS
Although the Federation and Empire have technically had diplomatic relations since 2220, for most of that time there was comparatively little direct contact between the two governments. The Federation immediately offered a legation at San Francisco, but until 2293 the Klingons steadfastly avoided and/or refused a reciprocal agreement for the simple reason that influential factions within the Empire believed that this was granting the UFP equal status with Klingons, and that could NOT be allowed. A small diplomatic affairs office (the only thing the Klingons would countenance calling it) was the only official UFP facility on Q’onos until 2293, and it was closed on several occasions by one or the other government. A full embassy was opened in The First City in 2295, and there are now consulates in H’vek Tar, K’lalath, V’hchess, Mor-em-cha, and Q’uinlat. There are also consulates on several of the larger subject planets, please consult your databases for excact locations and services. The Ambassador is at the embassy in The First City, as well as the primary diplomatic and attache staff. The consuls may or may not be actual members of the Federation Diplomatic Corps, but they are granted the same rights and privileges.
This would be a good time to remind StarFleet personnel in the strongest possible manner that Klingon citizens or low-level officials may or may not recognize diplomatic prerogatives and rights under Galactic law - if you are not on an official mission, check in with the consulate immediately upon arrival and ensure that you are registered with them as StarFleet personnel out of uniform can be and have been arrested as spies. In some areas, especially in the outlands away from the cities, keep always in mind that the writ of the central government may have little or no sway whatsoever on the local authorities unless overwhelming force is threatened/applied - and perhaps not even then. If visiting as a tourist or researcher, it is strongly recommended that one stay with official guides or tours at all times. Likewise, one should only obtain lodgings in well-known facilities in larger cities. Check with the Embassy or Consul for recommended lists.
SOCIAL RELATIONS
Since the Khitomer Treaty, increasing numbers of UFP citizens have found themselves in Klingon territory or dealing directly with Klingon citizens. A few simple rules will insure that your interactions are smooth and pleasant ones:
*Most Klingons you will likely meet do not indulge in small talk or routine pleasantries. In fact, they do not actually have a word for ‘hello’ - their word at greeting is nuqneH (nook-NECK), which translates to “What do you want?” After one has known a Klingon for some time, they may become more open and relaxed in conversation. It is considered polite and respectful when meeting a Klingon for the first time to hope if they and their House are well.
*Meals are boisterous, loud and happy affairs, no matter the time of day. Starfleet personnel are advised that they will be offered gagh worms, and that to refuse them is considered an insult. They are apparently improved considerably with salt, and though your hosts will give you no end of grief should you do so, they will accept your efforts. In the countryside, ‘ngach - fermented cabbage - is a delicacy shared only with honored visitors. Although the taste is said to be quite good, resembling Terran sweet relish, the smell can and has rendered Terrans unconscious. See your medical officer for olfactory blockers before going planetside.
*Bloodwine - fermented animal blood and sugar - is a drink cherished by Klingons for centuries. The quality of such wines varies wildly, from vintages that rival anything from Terra to poorly made - and possibly dangerous - home brews. It is EXTREMELY intoxicating, and Starfleet personnel speak ruefully of ‘the bloodwine experience’ - becoming essentially blackout intoxicated after only a few glasses, and staying blacked out for two to three days. Any social occasion will involve multiple bloodwine toasts, and guests are expected to keep up drink for drink with their hosts. Again, see your medical officer for medications that can greatly alleiviate its effects.
*Klingons in most castes - the Warrior castes being a highly notable exception - dote on their families and children. When visiting, bringing a token for the lady of the house and a small gift for each of the children will go a long way towards cementing a relationship with an individual.
*Ask about your host and his family in general terms - too detailed questions, no matter how well meant, will be regarded with suspicion.
*If discussing business matters, be prepared for brusqueness that would be insulting from a Terran. Klingons do like to haggle - and are extremely good at it - but only after coming directly to the point first.
*Farewells can be either nearly nonexistent or elaborate. Get to know your hosts so as to know what to expect.
*Although, as has been pointed out, Klingons are often unsure of their own history, they are extremely proud of it. Complimenting the courage of their forebears, no matter the situation, is considered good manners.
ARREST/DETENTION
If however, the worst happens and you are detained for whatever reason by Klingon citizens or authorities, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT RESIST and do not panic - remain calm and ask to be placed in contact with the nearest Federation authorities. In addition:
*Be prepared to be in custody for several days at least before you are allowed to speak with a UFP representative.
*Klingon justice assumes guilt, and if innocent then it must be positively proven.
*Klingon detention facilities are considered remarkably unpleasant.
*During this time, remain calm and if at all possible mantain an air of respectful aloofness while continually asking for a UFP representative. If the Klingons involved see you remaining calm and unruffled while maintaining your rights they are much more likely to respect you and grant access all that much sooner.
*Speaking with a UFP representative is no guarantee of release, though in recent years this has improved considerably. It is quite possible that you will still be eventually tried and sentenced to time served and a token fine.
*Know however that once you have spoken to a UFP representative, everything within their power will be done to resolve the issue. In many cases, local attorneys are on file with the UFP to take up your case. The UFP will cover the costs of a trial or investigation, but if you are justifiably convicted, it is possible that you will eventually be required to reimburse those costs.
PHRASEBOOK
These are some common phrases that you may find useful. Keep in mind that for reasons not fully understood, universal translators occasionally have trouble with rural Klingon dialects.
HIq tlhutlhmey nuvpu' juH pachjaj (Please take me to the hospital)
nuqDaq ghomHa'lu'- (Where is the -)
jI'oy'taHvIS - (I am with Starfleet)
quSDaq ba’lu’’a’- (Is this seat taken?)
tera'ngan jIH - (I am a Terran)
'IstovIy chuch tlhIng nuq DaneH? - (Would you like some chocolate?)
bortaS vIqawbej…MOLWI'! (Revenge is a dish…BEST SERVED COLD!)
vjIjatlh (Speak)
Usage: As a greeting. "A Klingon will not waste time on trivial pleasantries," notes Windsor. Why say "hello" when you can issue an order, instead?
pe’vIl mu’qaDmey (Curse well!)
Usage: Instead of “all the best” or “have a nice day,” let your parting words say what you really mean.
nuqDaq ‘oH puchpa’’e’ (Where's the bathroom?)
Usage: Self-explanatory.
nuqDaq ‘oH tach’e’ (Where's the bar?)
Best Use Case Scenario: This one is obvious. Be prepared, however, for an answer that will lead to either Bloodwine or the taste of defeat.
tera’ngan Soj lujab’a’ (Do they serve Earth food?)
Best Use Case Scenario: Always ask this if you believe you may be taken for a meal. Most Klingons will try to find something you find palatable, but may be insulted if they find this out once you have gotten there.
Dut na’ HInob (Give me the salty crystals)
Best Use Case Scenario: Remember that if you say this in context with gagh worms, you will be teased unmercifully. By the same token, that will indicate that your hosts will be pleased that you are making the effort to sample Klingon customs.
qagh Sopbe’ (He doesn't eat gagh)
Usage: A way for one Klingon to call another a coward.
HIja/ghobe’ (Yes/No)
Usage: As in, "Yes, I surrender." As in, "No, you don't," generally followed by the sound of a disruptor.
Dochvetlh vIneH (I want that thing!)
Usage: Klingons are not known for their diplomacy, or their manners—get straight to the point.
Hab SoSlI’ Quch (Your mother has a smooth forehead!)
Usage: This is a serious insult. Do not use it even in jest.
nuqjatlh (What did you say?)
Usage: Most Klingons are surprisingly patient when speaking to an off-worlder, but will become quickly frustrated if they think you are not listening.
jagh yIbuStaH (Concentrate on the enemy!)
Usage: Klingon does have words for “sorry” and “surrender,” but according to Windsor, “no Klingon would use them, and you would lose all honor if you did.” Try this distraction tactic instead.
Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam (Today is a good day to die)
Usage: Traditional Klingon battle cry. It is not taken lightly, and Starfleet personnel should be extremely cautious if they hear it.
qaStaH nuq jay’ (What the **** is happening?)
Usage: If one is averse to forceful cursing, leave off the jay’ and say ‘K’rekTor’ (Grethor, the Klingon punitive afterlife) instead.
wo’ batlhvaD (For the honor of the Empire!)
Usage: Common motivational cry.
tlhIngan maH (We are Klingon!)
Usage: A common Klingon victory chant.
Qapla’ (Success!)
Usage: Self-explanatory.
Mike
BY Mike Kozlowski
Special thanks to Ambassador John Lyle (StarFleet, Ret.) for his thoughts and insights.
THE STARFLEET POCKET GUIDE TO THE KLINGONS
HARD COPY EDITION PUBLISHED SEPTEMBER 2299
STARFLEET PRINTING OFFICE
MAINZ DEUTSCHLAND TERRA SOL
FORWARD
The Federation’s interaction with the Klingon Empire has been, is, and shall remain a complex affair between two markedly different civilizations whose relations have swung between correct politeness to military action. It is impossible to cover every detail in a few short pages, but we hope to give you enough information to understand the basic structure of the Empire, its history, and its outlook on the rest of the galaxy.
NOTE: The Klingons are extremely reticent with outsiders about their history. There are many reasons for this, not least of which is that even by their own admission they aren’t entirely sure of its beginnings. Keep this always in mind when dealing with Klingons - a great deal of commonly available data is questionable at best and at worst utterly useless. In addition, much of what Klingons do reveal and present as their history tends to be reworded legends and tales - as if the Greeks presented the Iliad and the Trojan epics as their actual history. Information herein is, wherever possible, cross-referenced with Federation experts and official Klingon sources.
BRIEF HISTORY
The Empire has its roots starting about our 9th century CE. At that time the t’Hlingan were an ‘enforcer’ race for a group of highly advanced aliens known as the Old Kings. At that time, the Klingons could best be described as similar to feudal Japan in an early Industrial Age civilization. The Old Kings ruled an area believed to be far larger than the current Empire, but whose exact size is unknown. They used some subject races as a combination police force and army, and the Klingons were apparently the most trusted of these races. They were trained to use fairly low-tech spacecraft and weapons that they could operate but not maintain or build.
At about our year 810 CE, the Old Kings disappeared leaving only a warning about dying stars in the center of the galaxy. This left the Klingons with what was - for them - advanced technology that they could not duplicate. That was, however, the least of their worries, as a planet-wide civil war across Qo'noS began almost immediately and continued for several decades until a clan leader named t’Hchalesh - Kahless the Unforgettable - began to unify the planet. According to legend, three hundred clan leaders proclaimed their allegiance to him, and those clans became the Great Houses. Thirty of those became Kahless’ bodyguards, the first Warriors.
Kahless lived long enough to see Qo'noS for all practical purposes united and his ascension as the first Emperor. One of his first acts was to order a reverse-engineering program to enable the Klingons to go back into space - the surviving Old Kings tech was rapidly deteriorating to the point where it was almost all gone. To put this in perspective, the Klingons had to go from steam engines to impulse engines without having gone through any of the intervening steps. Best estimates are that it took approximately two centuries to get into space, and another hundred and fifty past that to get to impulse engine technology. However, the Klingons put this tech to use not to explore, but reconquer as far as they could the Old Kings’ empire. The result was that five centuries after the departure of the Old Kings they had basically stagnated as a society. This continued until sometime in our 18th century CE when the Klingons built their first warp engines. These were small, temperamental units that were frequently dangerous to their users, but over time they became more reliable and useful - but as the primary goal of the Empire was conquest, there was little incentive to continually improve as long as they were good enough to get troops to a planet and control the natives.
It was at this time that the Emperors, still descended from Kahless, began to spin out of control as progressively more unhinged and despotic even by Klingon standards. Conditions grew worse and the Emperors retreated into alcohol and brutality while the imperial bureaucracy essentially ran things. Finally, in 2049 CE Emperor Korris XII attempted to launch a purge of the senior military leadership. It is unclear whether or not Korris had actually stumbled upon a plot against him, or - as seems likely - he was suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, but the military leadership struck first. Korris was killed, and as he had no heirs, the generals placed Korris’ minister of war as the first Chancellor.
The new Chancellor, Mow’ga, understood that simply trying to reconquer hopelessly primitive worlds lost centuries before was a recipe for ultimate disaster, and that conquest had to be for new worlds that could contribute to the Empire. Accordingly, he made the decision to supplant the Ground Forces with the Fleet as the primary service. The ornate private ships built by the Great Houses would be replaced by standardized vessels manned by a professionally trained cadre, leading to the founding of the Imperial Fleet School in 2071. He also freed the government from the dead hand of the imperial bureaucracy by professionalizing the civil service and then took the daring step of getting the Great Houses under control by creating the juH qach Ii tuq, or House of Houses - a semi-independent legislature that gave all the Great Houses a voice in policy, although ultimate power rested with the Chancellor. Conquest would still be the main purpose of the Empire, but now it would be planned, managed, and controlled with the ultimate goal of becoming the dominant race in the galaxy.
The Klingons understood the concept of alien races quite readily, as they knew from the time of the Old Kings that there were many planets out there with similar races to them (NOTE: Federation xenobiologists have concluded that many of the Klingon ‘subject races’, nearly fifty in all, are sufficiently identical to Klingons that the possibility of the Old Kings colonizing those planets with them millennia before cannot be excluded) but their first true First Contact was in 2103 when they encountered a band of rebel Kzin who had been on the losing end of one of their interminable civil wars and were trying to escape. They were of course, promptly attacked and captured, beginning a long history of brutal conflict that continues to this day. The Klingons also found out about this time of the existence of the Lyrans, a distant offshoot of the Kzin, and working on the assumption that the enemy of my enemy is my friend, sent out their first deep space fleets to contact them, something they achieved in 2109, and concluded an alliance with them that is still in effect.
The Kzin and Klingons fought three wars between the 2120s and 2218, all to effective draws. The third, beginning in 2213 actually was going in the Klingons’ favor until the battle of Torlach in 2218, when a Federation scout fleet made first contact with both Kzin and Klingon by blundering into the middle of the fight. The Klingons had, quite frankly, ignored the idea of contacting other advanced races, were solely focused on the Kzin, and assumed that this was a tactical surprise aimed at them. Not knowing the nature and extent of the threat and, for the first time in their history facing the idea of being outnumbered, the Klingon fleets fell back. As they had already reconquered what had been lost in the previous conflict, the Empire grudgingly called it a win and began to study this new adversary.
Although the Federation had no desire to fight the Klingons, the Empire pursued a policy of intermittent and half-hearted diplomacy punctuated by raids and fleet actions that culminated in in two wars. The first (2226-2230) was a frankly confused effort on both sides that had no lasting effects other than to badly harm the Kzin fleets to the point where they were beyond offensive action for some years to come. The second (2256-57) was spurred by the T’Kuvma Rebellion (2252-57) among some of the Great Houses, who felt that it was necessary to occupy - or at least subdue - the Federation so as to insure Klingon survival. The war ended in a razor-thin Federation victory, but it was a very close-run affair. (NOTE: Legend has grown that a StarFleet strike team somehow managed to plant fusion devices on Qo'noS, which convinced the Klingons to finally end the war on favorable terms for the Federation. This story shall be treated here with the contempt it deserves.)
The T’Kuvma Rebellion did considerable damage to the Empire and the Fleet. Many officers believed they had been betrayed by the cease-fire, and some of the Great and Lesser Houses took advantage of this by subverting crews and officers and convincing them to be more loyal to their House than the Chancellor. This in turn led to a notable lack of control over the Fleet, to the point where many ships operated more as privateers than a unified force, and it was almost impossible to have an intelligent, coherent foreign and military policy vis-a-vis the Federation. Ship-to-ship combat was common, fairly good sized fleet actions not unknown. The Chancellors became more interested in holding on to what power they had left, and the Empire suffered as a result. Standards of living decreased, while political and social unrest was frequent and debilitating. Relations with the Federation devolved into a protracted cold war while the conflict with the Kzin and later the Hydrans boiled over on a regular basis. The Federation provided aid and assistance to both of those races short of actual combat forces, making the situation even more tense.
In the early 2280s, a new generation of technocrats began to come to influence and power within the Empire, and although they still firmly believed in Klingon superiority they also realized that the Empire was running on borrowed time. The Great Houses were fighting any form of control, and military budgets - needed to keep a fleet that could outnumber the Federation and its allies and patrol the Empire - were threatening to destroy the economy. Their unofficial leader was Gorkon, a former fleet captain and diplomat who had traveled widely through the Federation and knew that the Empire risked bankruptcy and collapse if it didn’t change direction soon. That change came in 2293, when the Qo'noS moon Praxis, an important source of energy materials, exploded due to a mining accident. The resulting shockwave was felt dozens of parsecs away across the Neutral Zone, and nearly stripped Qo’noS of its ozone layer. At that point, the choice was a simple one - extinction or peace. Gorkon became Chancellor, chose peace and opened formal negotiations with the Federation as well as the Kzin and Hydrans.
These overtures were met with great and clear mistrust by all governments concerned, but in the end it was too great an opportunity to pass up. Although the Cartwright-Chang Conspiracy came perilously close to derailing it by assassinating Gorkon, the end result was the Khitomer Treaty of 2293, permanently ending hostilities between the Federation and Empire and establishing full diplomatic relations as well as commerce, cultural, and travel agreements. When the Orion War erupted in 2295, an under-strength StarFleet found itself joined by two Klingon task forces, whose performance is often politely described as ‘enthusiastic’. To date (2299) the major source of friction between the Federation and Empire has been a marked Klingon tendency to bully and raid the new planetary republics formed from those planets that broke away from Klingon rule after the Khitomer Treaty.
KLINGON SOCIETY
The foundations of Klingon society are the House and the Caste.
GREAT HOUSES
According to tradition, the Great Houses are directly descended from the three hundred clan leaders who joined with Kahless to unify Qo’noS. Until the 2250s it was believed that there were only 25-40 Great Houses, but after 2218 it has since been determined that there are at least two hundred ‘active’ Great Houses, with an unknown number referred to as ‘dormant’. There are also a handful of ‘yejHa'' or ‘Secret Houses’, which apparently keep extremely low profiles and serve the Chancellor on missions of extreme sensitivity.
In theory, these Houses govern large areas of Qo'noS on behalf of the Chancellor in a manner similar to the feudal lords of Terra’s middle ages. They tend to be extremely wealthy, and they have a strong say in Empire policy and actions, as well as a virtual veto power over it. Chancellors, when named by their predecessors, must receive a majority of votes in the juH qach Ii tuq to take office. After the T’Kuvma Rebellion and the Khitomer Treaty, the Chancellors began to crack down on the independence of the Great Houses, and although they can still be restive, complete power is now more than ever centered in the Chancellor. The Great Houses, however, still exercise extraordinary influence over all aspects of Klingon life.
Great Houses consist of the Head of House (the founding family), Lesser Houses, and those clans or individuals who have sworn allegiance to the Head of House. The accepted title for the Head of House is ‘Lord’ (joH)or ‘Lady’ (Be') though some Houses still use their nobility ranks from the days before the Chancellors. The clans tend to be those who reside or work in the House’s area of control, though occasionally clans on the borders of those areas can change Houses. Individuals wishing to join a House may do so in two ways: Request or Invitation. Request is just that, but as a rule the individual must bring something of value to the table. A ‘no’ is either delivered with a beating and ritual humiliation, or a somewhat more pleasant “Come back another time and we shall speak again.” (Some Great Houses in urban areas actually conduct what can best be described as recruitment campaigns to gain needed skills, influence, or resources.) An Invitation was at one time extremely rare and was only exercised in the event of great service to the House. In recent decades, however, some Great Houses have released ‘honors lists’ yearly of individuals who will be invited to join the House. It should go without saying that a refusal on the part of said individual is considered a mortal insult, and usually dealt with as such.
The Invitation Ceremony is quite interesting - the candidate is asked to join the House, and they must reply with a long, detailed, and usually somewhat debasing confession of reasons why they are not worthy to do so. The candidate is asked a second time, and it is considered good form to surpass their previous confessions with another one. Finally, the candidate is asked a third time, and threatened with a remarkably unpleasant death should they refuse. The candidate then states his allegiance to the House, albeit under duress. The candidates are then treated to a banquet and are treated as full members of the House. There is also the Friendship Allegiance, which is a purely social construct - during moments of crisis, grief, or other momentous occasions, it is considered a display of friendship, loyalty, and support to proclaim allegiance to the House in need. These are never considered permanently binding, but if made the individual is expected to provide said support until the matter is past.
Relations between Great Houses can range from warm and friendly to flatly hostile, and organized combat between Houses is not unknown, though it has become a rarity in recent years as the Chancellors have made strenuous efforts to keep the Houses under control. Should StarFleet personnel find themselves in such a conflict, they are urged to demonstrate complete neutrality and evacuate the area as soon as possible. Great Houses also tend to be primarily represent a single Caste (I.e.; Warrior, Agriculture, Commerce, etc.) and direct family of those Houses are expected to go into those fields. Crossing from one to another is not unknown, but is socially frowned upon. Marriage between Houses is quite common, and as often for purely personal reasons as for business and political ones. At one time, all Great Houses maintained their own armed fleets, but since the T’Kuvma Rebellion the Chancellors have slowly disbanded them. However, it is expected that Heads of House will have at least one or two fast, luxurious, and heavily armed vessels at their disposal. The Romulan-designed Hvi nei'rrh (Bird of Prey) is a popular choice, as they are larger, faster, and more heavily armed than their Klingon counterparts.
LESSER HOUSES
They are essentially Great Houses in miniature, with a wide range of populations. These can vary from a few dozen to several hundred thousand. Lesser Houses tend to focus on specific technical aspects of Castes - for instance, their overall Caste might be Agriculture but the majority of their members are agricultural equipment mechanics. One major difference is that individuals and clans may declare allegiance to a Lesser House at any time with a simple declaration and the Head of House is required to accept them.
The Lesser Houses have a great deal of influence on the Great Houses as they supply the manpower needed to exploit the Great Houses’ resources. Trading and making deals for manpower and resources is a constant priority of the Lesser Houses, for if they shrink past a certain point, they are no longer worth the support of their Great House(s) - but by the same token, they need to insure they do not grow too large or influential, lest they pose a threat to their Great House. In such circumstances, Great Houses have been known at best to break them up, and at worst to downsize them with extreme prejudice. However, both sides traditionally try to avoid getting to that point. However, to that end, even the smallest Lesser Houses maintain security forces to insure that they cannot be coerced or attacked by other Houses.
There is a dark side to the Lesser Houses, in that more than a few are, quite bluntly, criminal in nature and answer to no Great Houses. Although some Great Houses are involved in organized crime, it is for the most part controlled and handled by Lesser Houses. In major cities, the Lesser Houses often control the gangs found in poorer parts of cities.
CASTES
One’s place in Klingon life is defined by one’s Caste. This should not be confused with the Hindu meaning of the word, as Klingons can usually shift from one caste to another, though some castes are less understanding about it than others.
The term caste in regard to Klingons is different than the old Hindu usage, in that mobility up- or down - is more than possible, and happens frequently at the clan level. As of this writing, there are more than five hundred identified castes and it is believed that there are at least that many more unknown to the Federation. They range from Theologian to Engineer to Clerk and literally everything in between. An interesting fact about the castes is that for a society as regimented as the Klingons, all jobs, no matter how menial, are considered valuable and worth doing. Consider these Klingon proverbs:
“ 'ach vutwI' neH ja'chuqtaHvIS jatlh veqlargh 'ej net jatlhbe' Hoch.”
- A street sweeper who serves the Empire is worth more than a Chancellor who does not.
“ 'ej Qu'vatlh; qeylIS pagh vItlhob.”
- All work is noble; and all workers glorious.
Until the mid 21st century, most Klingons lived and worked in the caste to which they were born. Crossing from one to another was not unknown, but was not encouraged and tended to be for specific reasons. The toppling of the Emperors created a massive social upheaval in which caste changing became more common and acceptable, though some, in particular the Warrior and Theological castes, frown on moving out except under very specific - and occasionally fatal - circumstances. When interacting with Klingon citizens on their home worlds, remember that they are as proud of what they do as you are of your career in StarFleet, and as deserving of respect and honor.
PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
So much sheer misinformation about the appearance of Klingons has made its way into popular culture - and sadly, StarFleet training - that without some facts, personnel risk surprise and the possibility of an incident when actually meeting a Klingon for the first time.
Until 2293, direct contact between average Federation citizens and the Klingons was actually quite rare. The Klingons kept a legation at San Francisco, but usually the Consul and his bodyguards were the only ones to go about in public. StarFleet saw Klingons ‘face to face’ far more often, but usually under less than ideal circumstances. This, combined with some notable events in fairly recent Klingon history, has led to seriously distorted ideas of Klingon appearance.
Klingon males average approximately 1.88976m in height and approximately 131.54kg in weight. Warriors, especially from hereditary warrior families, tend larger than this. Klingon females average 1.55448m in height and 90.7184kg in weight. Defining characteristics of both sexes is three ridges on their foreheads and thick black hair, usually going gray by middle age. The Klingon lifespan is understood to be a maximum of one hundred and fifty years.
The first actual glimpses of Klingons was through viewscreens, and it was extremely difficult to get a good picture. They were, however, seen to be taller than average humans with dark hair and tan complexions, with the forehead ridges not present. It was later discovered that these were in fact Klingons, but ones who had been infected with a virus intended to create ‘augments’ - super soldiers like those who ravaged Terra in the 1990s. The virus, however, mutated after inadvertently mixing with Levodian influenza, and spread through the Klingon population. Its primary side effect was shrinking or in some cases erasing the cranial ridges and to essentially make Klingons look more human. Billions of Klingon citizens suffered; and almost every single member of the Fleet was affected as the virus spread faster and more completely in the closed confines of the ships. The initial infection was by all accounts extremely painful, but afterwards there were no lasting health effects - but no augmented abilities remained. The result, however, was that the Federation and StarFleet for some time considered the ‘ridged’ Klingons as a minority offshoot. By the 2270s, foundation Klingon genomes began to reassert themselves, and as of this writing are sufficiently reestablished to consider the augments a large but steadily shrinking minority.
A more problematic matter arose during the T’Kuvma Rebellion. A bare majority of houses supported the rebellion, and almost all the Warrior houses were in that number. As the tenets of the Rebellion were tradition, survival, and purity of essence, many Warrior houses supporting the Rebellion underwent a ritual purification called Qapchu', which roughly translates to ‘Quickening’, as in the sense that it brings the Warrior more quickly to purity.
Information on this ritual is sparse, but it appears that one component was the use of a harsh chemical depilatory to remove all hair from the body. These chemicals also had a side effect of tinting the skin odd colors - considered a bonus by Warriors who felt it added to their fearsome aspect. The first StarFleet personnel to confirm seeing these Warriors were crew members of USS Discovery (NCC-1031) during the Second Klingon War, and it was understood by StarFleet at the time that these Warriors did not represent the appearance of the Klingon race as a whole. However, a heavily and poorly fictionalized video program produced about Discovery just after that ship’s loss in 2257 showed all Klingons as having the features obtained through Quickening, and for reasons unclear this became a standard conception of Klingon appearance for many years. These warriors suffered a very heavy casualty rate during the Second War, and afterwards the Quickening was banned - on pain of Discommendation. No Quickened warriors have been seen since the early 2260s.
Klingons enjoy ornate uniforms and clothing. Males and females regardless of station or caste, often wear ceremonial daggers. StarFleet personnel are reminded that though these weapons may be ceremonial in nature, they are also still quite functional. Tradition demands that if drawn, the dagger may not be replaced in its sheath without the drawing of blood. Most Klingon women tend to wear very little makeup, as they consider its use pointless. If you see a Klingon woman in makeup, she is likely a high-born lady from a Great House.
DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS
Although the Federation and Empire have technically had diplomatic relations since 2220, for most of that time there was comparatively little direct contact between the two governments. The Federation immediately offered a legation at San Francisco, but until 2293 the Klingons steadfastly avoided and/or refused a reciprocal agreement for the simple reason that influential factions within the Empire believed that this was granting the UFP equal status with Klingons, and that could NOT be allowed. A small diplomatic affairs office (the only thing the Klingons would countenance calling it) was the only official UFP facility on Q’onos until 2293, and it was closed on several occasions by one or the other government. A full embassy was opened in The First City in 2295, and there are now consulates in H’vek Tar, K’lalath, V’hchess, Mor-em-cha, and Q’uinlat. There are also consulates on several of the larger subject planets, please consult your databases for excact locations and services. The Ambassador is at the embassy in The First City, as well as the primary diplomatic and attache staff. The consuls may or may not be actual members of the Federation Diplomatic Corps, but they are granted the same rights and privileges.
This would be a good time to remind StarFleet personnel in the strongest possible manner that Klingon citizens or low-level officials may or may not recognize diplomatic prerogatives and rights under Galactic law - if you are not on an official mission, check in with the consulate immediately upon arrival and ensure that you are registered with them as StarFleet personnel out of uniform can be and have been arrested as spies. In some areas, especially in the outlands away from the cities, keep always in mind that the writ of the central government may have little or no sway whatsoever on the local authorities unless overwhelming force is threatened/applied - and perhaps not even then. If visiting as a tourist or researcher, it is strongly recommended that one stay with official guides or tours at all times. Likewise, one should only obtain lodgings in well-known facilities in larger cities. Check with the Embassy or Consul for recommended lists.
SOCIAL RELATIONS
Since the Khitomer Treaty, increasing numbers of UFP citizens have found themselves in Klingon territory or dealing directly with Klingon citizens. A few simple rules will insure that your interactions are smooth and pleasant ones:
*Most Klingons you will likely meet do not indulge in small talk or routine pleasantries. In fact, they do not actually have a word for ‘hello’ - their word at greeting is nuqneH (nook-NECK), which translates to “What do you want?” After one has known a Klingon for some time, they may become more open and relaxed in conversation. It is considered polite and respectful when meeting a Klingon for the first time to hope if they and their House are well.
*Meals are boisterous, loud and happy affairs, no matter the time of day. Starfleet personnel are advised that they will be offered gagh worms, and that to refuse them is considered an insult. They are apparently improved considerably with salt, and though your hosts will give you no end of grief should you do so, they will accept your efforts. In the countryside, ‘ngach - fermented cabbage - is a delicacy shared only with honored visitors. Although the taste is said to be quite good, resembling Terran sweet relish, the smell can and has rendered Terrans unconscious. See your medical officer for olfactory blockers before going planetside.
*Bloodwine - fermented animal blood and sugar - is a drink cherished by Klingons for centuries. The quality of such wines varies wildly, from vintages that rival anything from Terra to poorly made - and possibly dangerous - home brews. It is EXTREMELY intoxicating, and Starfleet personnel speak ruefully of ‘the bloodwine experience’ - becoming essentially blackout intoxicated after only a few glasses, and staying blacked out for two to three days. Any social occasion will involve multiple bloodwine toasts, and guests are expected to keep up drink for drink with their hosts. Again, see your medical officer for medications that can greatly alleiviate its effects.
*Klingons in most castes - the Warrior castes being a highly notable exception - dote on their families and children. When visiting, bringing a token for the lady of the house and a small gift for each of the children will go a long way towards cementing a relationship with an individual.
*Ask about your host and his family in general terms - too detailed questions, no matter how well meant, will be regarded with suspicion.
*If discussing business matters, be prepared for brusqueness that would be insulting from a Terran. Klingons do like to haggle - and are extremely good at it - but only after coming directly to the point first.
*Farewells can be either nearly nonexistent or elaborate. Get to know your hosts so as to know what to expect.
*Although, as has been pointed out, Klingons are often unsure of their own history, they are extremely proud of it. Complimenting the courage of their forebears, no matter the situation, is considered good manners.
ARREST/DETENTION
If however, the worst happens and you are detained for whatever reason by Klingon citizens or authorities, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT RESIST and do not panic - remain calm and ask to be placed in contact with the nearest Federation authorities. In addition:
*Be prepared to be in custody for several days at least before you are allowed to speak with a UFP representative.
*Klingon justice assumes guilt, and if innocent then it must be positively proven.
*Klingon detention facilities are considered remarkably unpleasant.
*During this time, remain calm and if at all possible mantain an air of respectful aloofness while continually asking for a UFP representative. If the Klingons involved see you remaining calm and unruffled while maintaining your rights they are much more likely to respect you and grant access all that much sooner.
*Speaking with a UFP representative is no guarantee of release, though in recent years this has improved considerably. It is quite possible that you will still be eventually tried and sentenced to time served and a token fine.
*Know however that once you have spoken to a UFP representative, everything within their power will be done to resolve the issue. In many cases, local attorneys are on file with the UFP to take up your case. The UFP will cover the costs of a trial or investigation, but if you are justifiably convicted, it is possible that you will eventually be required to reimburse those costs.
PHRASEBOOK
These are some common phrases that you may find useful. Keep in mind that for reasons not fully understood, universal translators occasionally have trouble with rural Klingon dialects.
HIq tlhutlhmey nuvpu' juH pachjaj (Please take me to the hospital)
nuqDaq ghomHa'lu'- (Where is the -)
jI'oy'taHvIS - (I am with Starfleet)
quSDaq ba’lu’’a’- (Is this seat taken?)
tera'ngan jIH - (I am a Terran)
'IstovIy chuch tlhIng nuq DaneH? - (Would you like some chocolate?)
bortaS vIqawbej…MOLWI'! (Revenge is a dish…BEST SERVED COLD!)
vjIjatlh (Speak)
Usage: As a greeting. "A Klingon will not waste time on trivial pleasantries," notes Windsor. Why say "hello" when you can issue an order, instead?
pe’vIl mu’qaDmey (Curse well!)
Usage: Instead of “all the best” or “have a nice day,” let your parting words say what you really mean.
nuqDaq ‘oH puchpa’’e’ (Where's the bathroom?)
Usage: Self-explanatory.
nuqDaq ‘oH tach’e’ (Where's the bar?)
Best Use Case Scenario: This one is obvious. Be prepared, however, for an answer that will lead to either Bloodwine or the taste of defeat.
tera’ngan Soj lujab’a’ (Do they serve Earth food?)
Best Use Case Scenario: Always ask this if you believe you may be taken for a meal. Most Klingons will try to find something you find palatable, but may be insulted if they find this out once you have gotten there.
Dut na’ HInob (Give me the salty crystals)
Best Use Case Scenario: Remember that if you say this in context with gagh worms, you will be teased unmercifully. By the same token, that will indicate that your hosts will be pleased that you are making the effort to sample Klingon customs.
qagh Sopbe’ (He doesn't eat gagh)
Usage: A way for one Klingon to call another a coward.
HIja/ghobe’ (Yes/No)
Usage: As in, "Yes, I surrender." As in, "No, you don't," generally followed by the sound of a disruptor.
Dochvetlh vIneH (I want that thing!)
Usage: Klingons are not known for their diplomacy, or their manners—get straight to the point.
Hab SoSlI’ Quch (Your mother has a smooth forehead!)
Usage: This is a serious insult. Do not use it even in jest.
nuqjatlh (What did you say?)
Usage: Most Klingons are surprisingly patient when speaking to an off-worlder, but will become quickly frustrated if they think you are not listening.
jagh yIbuStaH (Concentrate on the enemy!)
Usage: Klingon does have words for “sorry” and “surrender,” but according to Windsor, “no Klingon would use them, and you would lose all honor if you did.” Try this distraction tactic instead.
Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam (Today is a good day to die)
Usage: Traditional Klingon battle cry. It is not taken lightly, and Starfleet personnel should be extremely cautious if they hear it.
qaStaH nuq jay’ (What the **** is happening?)
Usage: If one is averse to forceful cursing, leave off the jay’ and say ‘K’rekTor’ (Grethor, the Klingon punitive afterlife) instead.
wo’ batlhvaD (For the honor of the Empire!)
Usage: Common motivational cry.
tlhIngan maH (We are Klingon!)
Usage: A common Klingon victory chant.
Qapla’ (Success!)
Usage: Self-explanatory.
Mike
