A NIGHT AT THE OPERA
Posted: Wed Dec 11, 2024 3:21 am
A NIGHT AT THE OPERA
USS Star Empire
In Orbit Over Kronos
The door chimed, and Mantell said, "It's open, come in!"
Kapek entered, and Mantell stood up. "Commander Kapek--"
"Friend Mantell, after you taught me about Christmas, it's just Kapek."
Mantell nodded, then extended his hand. "Then I'm Josh."
Kapek took Josh's arm up to the elbow and grasped firmly; Josh did the same, and Kapek smiled--a genuinely delighted smile.
"Josh?"
"Short for Joshua. It is my given name; Mantell is my family name."
Kapek nodded. "I see."
"Please, have a seat, make yourself at home."
Kapek did so, then said, "I hope there was nothing awkward with Captain Lyle."
Mantell said, "I understand Fleet Admiral Cleavely had a conversation with him, but I don't know the substance." Mantell sighed. "At any rate . . . well, from our side of the aisle, it looks like it was a success."
Kapek nodded. "It is viewed as a success from our side, as well." He smiled. "Such a success that I have been asked to invite you to the premiere of a new opera."
Mantell blinked. "Now, I know a little about Klingon opera--"
"You've attended one?"
"Tri-Vee presentations of a couple. There was Aktuh and Melota, which I understand is a classic--"
Kapek nodded. "What did you think?"
"It was very accessible for me--it could've been any number of my ancestors."
Kapek's eyes widened. "Really?"
"Absolutely! The Mantell family has many stories of star-crossed lovers. The family tradition involves parental disapproval of potential spouses, midnight elopements, and the resulting marriages not only being fruitful and eventually accepted, but surviving wars, natural disasters, and financial panics--and not merely enduring, but flourishing with panache and style."
"I knew there was something Klingon about you, friend Josh! Of course Aktuh and Melota would speak to you. What was the other one?"
"X and Y. My teacher described it as controversial."
Kapek thumped the table, and Mantell worried briefly that it would break. "Yes, it was controversial when it came out, but it's now well on its way to being a classic. But that's how Klingon opera is, friend Josh. We do not trust someone penning a new opera, even though we crave to see something, anything new. Only when the finished product has been tested and accepted does it become part of the repertoire."
"So what's this opera?"
"Well, there was an opera made about Axanar twenty years ago, titled 'Flags of Our Fathers.' Very controversial when it came out, even started some riots."
"Lovely."
"Some of the Great Houses who'd profited from other Houses taking a fall over Axanar hated it because it sang of the heroism shown by the warriors at Mount Elbro'neych, and they'd spent many darseks paying historians to speak ill of the dead--not of their honor, of course, but of a supposed lack of tactical sense. Well, they sent people out to rouse the rabble and cause trouble. The police dealt with the rioters firmly, various Houses let it be known that speaking ill of those who gave their lives at the front was not appreciated, and order was quickly restored."
"Okay, that's good. So is this a retelling of that story, or some other fight?"
"Oh, even better, Friend Josh! The title is best rendered as "Letters from Axanar," and it tells the story from the Federation Marines' perspective!"
"Great. Even more riots."
"Come, Friend Josh, a riot is nothing. 25 years ago, the female lead in Tl-Hhahkh's Way assassinated the male lead when he sang his part off pitch. "
Mantell said, "Harsh, but fair."
"Ah, but that was the director's prerogative, Friend Josh! The riots lasted a week, and then the government fell, and then . . . "
* * *
Captain Lyle scratched his jaw, then said, "I've been invited as well, and I have just decided to go . . . because you need to go, to help cement your friendship with Kapek. Make sure you visit the ship's surgeon for appropriate medical support before beaming down. There will likely be copious amounts of bloodwine, and there may be 'ngach as well, which is quite tasty, but the smell will you knock you unconscious."
Mantell said, "Aye aye, sir."
Lyle sat back in his chair and regarded Josh carefully. "Captain Mantell . . . I don't think you quite understand your unique position. As near as I can tell, the Klingons regard your family as a Great House."
Mantell blinked. "Sir, we don't think of ourselves as a great house. We're just a family of businesspersons, farmers, and ranchers."
Lyle snorted. "And your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Major General Joshua Zachary Mantell--your namesake, mind you--was merely trying to get a quiet night's sleep in Oceanside when he sent his Marines up to Santa Barbara to deal with Colonel Green's people."
Lyle paused, head bent in apparent deep thought. After a moment, he looked at Josh again.
"Captain . . . the Klingons view things like namesakes and professions as augurs and signs. Remember, we all use our own particular frae of reference to make sense of the universe. They're looking at you from their perspective, not yours . . . and they're not certain if you're really just a mild-mannered MARDET platoon leader, or if you're something more." He looked at Mantell as if seeing him for the first time, and said, "Personally, I think you're in the 'something more' category. Do your best to meet their highest expectations, Captain."
"Aye aye, sir."
* * *
Mantell sat next to Kapek, and Captain Lyle sat across the aisle from Mantell.
"Friend Josh, I don't want to make you nervous, but it appears the Chancellor herself is in attendance tonight."
"Uh . . . does that change anything?"
"You stand when she enteres her box, and you sit when she does. And you remain seated until she rises again."
"Got it."
* * *
Mantell was using the Fleet Marine standard tactical contact lenses to keep a running translation of the lyrics and dialogue.
When the curtain rose, a blood-red sky backlit a group of men erecting a flagpole. With a start, Mantell realized that the flag was an old American flag from the mid-20th century, and that the scene was a reenactment of the Fifth Marine Division raising the flag on Mount Suribachi.
A spotlight illuminated two Klingon figures, one wearing olive drab fatigues, the other in an old-fashioned suit.
The one in the suit said, "General, this moment ensures that there will be a Marine Corps for another 500 years."
And then the fanfare sounded, harsh and discordant to his ears--and yet carrying with it a sense of glory.
* * *
Mantell followed the story of a Marine platoon fighting the Klingons. One song--titled, of all things, "Schmuckatelli's Safety Dance," sang of all that could go wrong in battle, particularly when young Lance Corporals tried to actually think, and did so with the sort of ribald humor that warriors had been using since Thutmose III was leading his army to Meggido. Warrior Caste Klingons--including Kapek--laughed uproariously, and Mantell joined in, sharing the experience.
During a lull in the action, a junior Marine sang of missing home, and hoping that his friends would remember him . . . and the rest of the platoon sang about how the Marines were at war . . . and the rest of the Federation was at the shopping plaza.
Ouch.
Any decent history of the Four Years' War mentioned that split between the fleet and the rest of the Federation.
A grizzled warrant officer sang another song that told Marines: "Out of ammunition, become a pillbox. Out of fuel, become a roadblock. Out of hope . . . become a legend."
That's foreshadowing, it's traditional at this point.
* * *
The climax showed a Fifth MarDiv staff sergeant, cut off from his platoon, trying to find them . . . and finding instead the Vor'shak'ta Guards Division HQ, guarded by the toughest, fiercest warriors in the Division.
The battle went for thirty minutes, with the chorus reprising, "Out of ammunition, become a pillbox. Out of fuel, become a roadblock. Out of hope . . . become a legend" in what passed for a major key in Klingon music.
The audience was restive as the Marine fought on, unstoppable. When everyone was out of ammo, the Klingons pulled d'k'tags and bat'leths, and the Marine pulled a Ka-Bar. Halfway through the hand-to-hand phase, the Marine's Ka-Bar broke, and he snap-kicked at a Klingon, who trapped his leg . . .
. . . and the Marine kicked the Klingon in the jaw with his other leg, completed a backflip, took the Klingon's bat'leth, and continuing the fight.
At last, the last warrior took down the staff sergeant . . . only to have the rest of the Marine platoon arrive and secure the victory.
A corpsman was working desperately on the staff sergeant when the cease-fire came.
"Come on, Staff Sergeant, you gotta have permission to die!"
The division commanders toured the battle scene together, and the Marine commander said, "They died well and fought like Marines. They should be legends. We will remember them."
The Klingon commander watched as the staff sergeant died, and said, "Your Marine fought like a true Klingon. We will remember him with honor."
The two commanders exchanged salutes, and the final song began.
It took Mantell a couple of seconds to realize that it was in a Terran major key . . . and it was . . .
He bolted to attention as the chorus sang,
From the Halls of Montezuma
To the Shores of Tripoli . . .
A spotlight shone on him.
* * *
"Friend Josh, you may be in serious trouble."
"Not my first time, Friend Kapek."
Two imposingly large warriors came to Josh's seat.
"The Chancellor commands your presence to explain yourself."
Lyle stood to and asked, "What's this about?"
"He broke protocol in rising before the Chancellor did."
"He is under my command, and I request to be present."
The senior warrior nodded. "Of course."
Kapek stood, and said, "I will be his cha'dich if it comes to that."
"He is not Klingon."
Kapek roared, "He is my friend! That is enough!"
The warrior saluted. "Very well, Commander."
* * *
The audience room was a touch crowded with various courtiers.
Mantell stood in the center of the room, with Kapek standing to his right. Captain Lyle was somewhere to his left and behind him.
He concentrated on remaining calm and unruffled.
A vaguely familiar female Klingon stood behind the Chancellor's seat.
The Chancellor's chief of staff walked up to Mantell and barked, "Why did you break protocol and stand?"
"I am a Starfleet Marine, sir. When the Marines' Hymn is played or sung, I am required to stand to attention in honor of all Marines, past, present, and future."
The Chief of Staff turned to the Chancellor, who held up a hand.
She said, "Duty is what binds us all. His duty to the Starfleet Marines takes precedence over mere protocol. This is right and proper. If there is no further objection . . . "
The familiar-looking Klingon woman said, "Just one."
She walked up to Mantell, then barked, "Hab SoSlI’ Quch."
Everyone in the room froze.
Mantell smirked as memory finally clicked. "Indeed she does. As did your roommate at Oxford, my Lady."
The Klingon woman backhanded Josh, who fell to the floor, but managed to roll back to his feet with a smile.
"My dear Lady Kalsa't, I am flattered, but Roberta would likely kill me if I accepted your marriage proposal. I do hope all is well with you and your House."
Kalsa't roared with laughter, and the Chancellor aked, "qaStaH nuq jay'?"
Hoo boy. I don't care how great your Great House is, getting a Whiskey Tango Foxtrot from the Big Kahuna Actual is never good . . .
Kalsa't roared with laughter even more boisterously. "This terag'nan is the husband of the woman I shared a room with at Oxford University on Earth. Meet Captain Joshua Mantell, Starfleet Marines, of the House Mantell."
* * *
The post-premiere party was in full swing.
Josh took some gagh worms with a double-tined fork.
Kapek asked, "Do you need the salty crystals?"
Other Klingons laughed and made all manner of ribald suggestions, including Lady Kalsa't, who offered to breast-feed him--and hushed as Josh took raised the worms to his mouth.
Mantell bit the worms, and drank their blood, then chewed thoroughly and swallowed, forcing them down.
Kalsa't smacked Kapek on the back, hard. "You have good taste in friends."
Mantell said, "I think she likes you, Friend Kapek."
Kapek looked mildly embarrased and changed the subject. "You never told me you were married, friend Josh."
"You never asked. Roberta, after she graduated from Oxford, came out to Estancia Mantell to do some research on the famous Josh Mantell."
A senior warrior barked, "You think you're famous?"
"My six-times-great-grandfather is the famous one. I'm the good-looking Josh Mantell."
Josh's contacts flatly refused to provide a translation of the response, and Mantell said, "You curse well, sir."
"I'll drink to that!"
Mantell downed some more bloodwine and quietly wonder how well the medications would hold.
"Well, I got one look at Roberta, and I was instantly smitten."
Kapek laughed, smacked Josh on the shoulder, and roared, "Ah, you were so wronged when you were born a human, Friend Josh!"
Kalsa't said, "By terag'nan standards, Roberta is quite beautiful." She laughed in what passed for a light, feminine manner on Q'onos. "No accounting for taste, of course."
"Roberta . . . well, she wasn't quite feeling the same way at that point. So I decided one evening that I would try to impress her with my sincerity."
Captain Lyle asked, "What did you do?"
"Well, sir, I have to set the scene. One of the things I found instantly attractive is that Roberta, like me, loves actual hardcopy books instead of data padds and the like. There's something . . . emotionally satisfying, about handling paper and leather binding; so fragile, and yet able to enlighten or entertain. She had dropped hints to my older sister that a man should read love poetry to his intended. So I found a volume of Tarbolde's love poetry at a bookstore in Mojave, and I went to the guest house she was living in.
"I started reading Nightingale Woman, and she wasn't having any of it at first. She threw one of her reference volumes at me. But it was more like a toss, and I caught it, tossed it back to her, and this time she overhanded it with some power behind it; it left a mark. At that point, I decided to focus on two things: reading the love poetry, and ducking a lot."
Kapek and Kalsa't laughed, and other Klingons joined in, one thumping Josh on the back hard enough to dislocate a rib.
Kapek said, "I told you that you're a Klingon at heart, Josh! And any woman worthy of you would have to be one as well!"
Josh turned to Kalsa't and said, "On our wedding night . . . she told me that you'd put her up to it."
Kalsa't smiled and said, "She wanted to be sure you weren't the typical playboy, looking for something casual and transitory."
"Well . . . the next day, I escorted her at my nephew's baptism and the reception, and she saw that was a total softie around children. So, she realized that I might be husband material. That evening . . . we talked until sunrise. And as the sun came over the horizon, I asked for her hand in marriage."
Kalsa't said, "That's pretty much how Klingons seek to mate. The man reads love poetry while the woman claws at him, and throws heavy objects. And, as the first passions cool, they talk for a long time." She smiled. "It's symbolic of the journey of marriage; there is pain, there is pleasure, and we must accept them both by communicating with each other."
Kalsa't looked at Kapek and smiled. "A fractured clavicle on one's wedding night is considered a blessing."
Kapek choked on his bloodwine.
Mantell chuckled. "My father didn't exactly approve of her as a daughter-in-law--just as his father hadn't approved of my mother, actually--so we went to Las Vegas and got married . . . which merely continued a long-extant Mantell family tradition of midnight elopements and passionate marriages in flagrant disregard of everyone else's opinions. My father has slowly come to accept her . . . which is also a longstanding Mantell family tradition."
Kalsa't laughed uproariously. "Straight out of Aktuh and Melota!"
* * *
"Friend Kapek, I'm telling you, Lady Kalsa't likes you."
"Friend Josh . . . how do you humans say it? Something about her being out of my league? She is a Lady of a prominent House . . . and a stunning beauty by my people's standards."
"Friend Kapek, she was looking straight at you and talking about breaking a clavicle. Apparently, she doesn't think she's out of your league. She's telling you something. Even I could pick that up. Now go get a book of love poetry and read it to her. And duck a lot."
"Easy for you to say, Friend Josh. And what will you be doing?"
"Watching from a safe distance, drinking bloodwine, and laughing my ass off, Friend Kapek."
Kapek laughed and punched Josh's shoulder. "And that also is a proud and ancient Klingon tradition, my friend."
Mantell lifted a goblet of bloodwine.
"Qa'pla, Friend Kapek!"
Kapek clinked his goblet against Josh's. "Qa'pla, indeed, Friend Mantell."
THE END
USS Star Empire
In Orbit Over Kronos
The door chimed, and Mantell said, "It's open, come in!"
Kapek entered, and Mantell stood up. "Commander Kapek--"
"Friend Mantell, after you taught me about Christmas, it's just Kapek."
Mantell nodded, then extended his hand. "Then I'm Josh."
Kapek took Josh's arm up to the elbow and grasped firmly; Josh did the same, and Kapek smiled--a genuinely delighted smile.
"Josh?"
"Short for Joshua. It is my given name; Mantell is my family name."
Kapek nodded. "I see."
"Please, have a seat, make yourself at home."
Kapek did so, then said, "I hope there was nothing awkward with Captain Lyle."
Mantell said, "I understand Fleet Admiral Cleavely had a conversation with him, but I don't know the substance." Mantell sighed. "At any rate . . . well, from our side of the aisle, it looks like it was a success."
Kapek nodded. "It is viewed as a success from our side, as well." He smiled. "Such a success that I have been asked to invite you to the premiere of a new opera."
Mantell blinked. "Now, I know a little about Klingon opera--"
"You've attended one?"
"Tri-Vee presentations of a couple. There was Aktuh and Melota, which I understand is a classic--"
Kapek nodded. "What did you think?"
"It was very accessible for me--it could've been any number of my ancestors."
Kapek's eyes widened. "Really?"
"Absolutely! The Mantell family has many stories of star-crossed lovers. The family tradition involves parental disapproval of potential spouses, midnight elopements, and the resulting marriages not only being fruitful and eventually accepted, but surviving wars, natural disasters, and financial panics--and not merely enduring, but flourishing with panache and style."
"I knew there was something Klingon about you, friend Josh! Of course Aktuh and Melota would speak to you. What was the other one?"
"X and Y. My teacher described it as controversial."
Kapek thumped the table, and Mantell worried briefly that it would break. "Yes, it was controversial when it came out, but it's now well on its way to being a classic. But that's how Klingon opera is, friend Josh. We do not trust someone penning a new opera, even though we crave to see something, anything new. Only when the finished product has been tested and accepted does it become part of the repertoire."
"So what's this opera?"
"Well, there was an opera made about Axanar twenty years ago, titled 'Flags of Our Fathers.' Very controversial when it came out, even started some riots."
"Lovely."
"Some of the Great Houses who'd profited from other Houses taking a fall over Axanar hated it because it sang of the heroism shown by the warriors at Mount Elbro'neych, and they'd spent many darseks paying historians to speak ill of the dead--not of their honor, of course, but of a supposed lack of tactical sense. Well, they sent people out to rouse the rabble and cause trouble. The police dealt with the rioters firmly, various Houses let it be known that speaking ill of those who gave their lives at the front was not appreciated, and order was quickly restored."
"Okay, that's good. So is this a retelling of that story, or some other fight?"
"Oh, even better, Friend Josh! The title is best rendered as "Letters from Axanar," and it tells the story from the Federation Marines' perspective!"
"Great. Even more riots."
"Come, Friend Josh, a riot is nothing. 25 years ago, the female lead in Tl-Hhahkh's Way assassinated the male lead when he sang his part off pitch. "
Mantell said, "Harsh, but fair."
"Ah, but that was the director's prerogative, Friend Josh! The riots lasted a week, and then the government fell, and then . . . "
* * *
Captain Lyle scratched his jaw, then said, "I've been invited as well, and I have just decided to go . . . because you need to go, to help cement your friendship with Kapek. Make sure you visit the ship's surgeon for appropriate medical support before beaming down. There will likely be copious amounts of bloodwine, and there may be 'ngach as well, which is quite tasty, but the smell will you knock you unconscious."
Mantell said, "Aye aye, sir."
Lyle sat back in his chair and regarded Josh carefully. "Captain Mantell . . . I don't think you quite understand your unique position. As near as I can tell, the Klingons regard your family as a Great House."
Mantell blinked. "Sir, we don't think of ourselves as a great house. We're just a family of businesspersons, farmers, and ranchers."
Lyle snorted. "And your great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Major General Joshua Zachary Mantell--your namesake, mind you--was merely trying to get a quiet night's sleep in Oceanside when he sent his Marines up to Santa Barbara to deal with Colonel Green's people."
Lyle paused, head bent in apparent deep thought. After a moment, he looked at Josh again.
"Captain . . . the Klingons view things like namesakes and professions as augurs and signs. Remember, we all use our own particular frae of reference to make sense of the universe. They're looking at you from their perspective, not yours . . . and they're not certain if you're really just a mild-mannered MARDET platoon leader, or if you're something more." He looked at Mantell as if seeing him for the first time, and said, "Personally, I think you're in the 'something more' category. Do your best to meet their highest expectations, Captain."
"Aye aye, sir."
* * *
Mantell sat next to Kapek, and Captain Lyle sat across the aisle from Mantell.
"Friend Josh, I don't want to make you nervous, but it appears the Chancellor herself is in attendance tonight."
"Uh . . . does that change anything?"
"You stand when she enteres her box, and you sit when she does. And you remain seated until she rises again."
"Got it."
* * *
Mantell was using the Fleet Marine standard tactical contact lenses to keep a running translation of the lyrics and dialogue.
When the curtain rose, a blood-red sky backlit a group of men erecting a flagpole. With a start, Mantell realized that the flag was an old American flag from the mid-20th century, and that the scene was a reenactment of the Fifth Marine Division raising the flag on Mount Suribachi.
A spotlight illuminated two Klingon figures, one wearing olive drab fatigues, the other in an old-fashioned suit.
The one in the suit said, "General, this moment ensures that there will be a Marine Corps for another 500 years."
And then the fanfare sounded, harsh and discordant to his ears--and yet carrying with it a sense of glory.
* * *
Mantell followed the story of a Marine platoon fighting the Klingons. One song--titled, of all things, "Schmuckatelli's Safety Dance," sang of all that could go wrong in battle, particularly when young Lance Corporals tried to actually think, and did so with the sort of ribald humor that warriors had been using since Thutmose III was leading his army to Meggido. Warrior Caste Klingons--including Kapek--laughed uproariously, and Mantell joined in, sharing the experience.
During a lull in the action, a junior Marine sang of missing home, and hoping that his friends would remember him . . . and the rest of the platoon sang about how the Marines were at war . . . and the rest of the Federation was at the shopping plaza.
Ouch.
Any decent history of the Four Years' War mentioned that split between the fleet and the rest of the Federation.
A grizzled warrant officer sang another song that told Marines: "Out of ammunition, become a pillbox. Out of fuel, become a roadblock. Out of hope . . . become a legend."
That's foreshadowing, it's traditional at this point.
* * *
The climax showed a Fifth MarDiv staff sergeant, cut off from his platoon, trying to find them . . . and finding instead the Vor'shak'ta Guards Division HQ, guarded by the toughest, fiercest warriors in the Division.
The battle went for thirty minutes, with the chorus reprising, "Out of ammunition, become a pillbox. Out of fuel, become a roadblock. Out of hope . . . become a legend" in what passed for a major key in Klingon music.
The audience was restive as the Marine fought on, unstoppable. When everyone was out of ammo, the Klingons pulled d'k'tags and bat'leths, and the Marine pulled a Ka-Bar. Halfway through the hand-to-hand phase, the Marine's Ka-Bar broke, and he snap-kicked at a Klingon, who trapped his leg . . .
. . . and the Marine kicked the Klingon in the jaw with his other leg, completed a backflip, took the Klingon's bat'leth, and continuing the fight.
At last, the last warrior took down the staff sergeant . . . only to have the rest of the Marine platoon arrive and secure the victory.
A corpsman was working desperately on the staff sergeant when the cease-fire came.
"Come on, Staff Sergeant, you gotta have permission to die!"
The division commanders toured the battle scene together, and the Marine commander said, "They died well and fought like Marines. They should be legends. We will remember them."
The Klingon commander watched as the staff sergeant died, and said, "Your Marine fought like a true Klingon. We will remember him with honor."
The two commanders exchanged salutes, and the final song began.
It took Mantell a couple of seconds to realize that it was in a Terran major key . . . and it was . . .
He bolted to attention as the chorus sang,
From the Halls of Montezuma
To the Shores of Tripoli . . .
A spotlight shone on him.
* * *
"Friend Josh, you may be in serious trouble."
"Not my first time, Friend Kapek."
Two imposingly large warriors came to Josh's seat.
"The Chancellor commands your presence to explain yourself."
Lyle stood to and asked, "What's this about?"
"He broke protocol in rising before the Chancellor did."
"He is under my command, and I request to be present."
The senior warrior nodded. "Of course."
Kapek stood, and said, "I will be his cha'dich if it comes to that."
"He is not Klingon."
Kapek roared, "He is my friend! That is enough!"
The warrior saluted. "Very well, Commander."
* * *
The audience room was a touch crowded with various courtiers.
Mantell stood in the center of the room, with Kapek standing to his right. Captain Lyle was somewhere to his left and behind him.
He concentrated on remaining calm and unruffled.
A vaguely familiar female Klingon stood behind the Chancellor's seat.
The Chancellor's chief of staff walked up to Mantell and barked, "Why did you break protocol and stand?"
"I am a Starfleet Marine, sir. When the Marines' Hymn is played or sung, I am required to stand to attention in honor of all Marines, past, present, and future."
The Chief of Staff turned to the Chancellor, who held up a hand.
She said, "Duty is what binds us all. His duty to the Starfleet Marines takes precedence over mere protocol. This is right and proper. If there is no further objection . . . "
The familiar-looking Klingon woman said, "Just one."
She walked up to Mantell, then barked, "Hab SoSlI’ Quch."
Everyone in the room froze.
Mantell smirked as memory finally clicked. "Indeed she does. As did your roommate at Oxford, my Lady."
The Klingon woman backhanded Josh, who fell to the floor, but managed to roll back to his feet with a smile.
"My dear Lady Kalsa't, I am flattered, but Roberta would likely kill me if I accepted your marriage proposal. I do hope all is well with you and your House."
Kalsa't roared with laughter, and the Chancellor aked, "qaStaH nuq jay'?"
Hoo boy. I don't care how great your Great House is, getting a Whiskey Tango Foxtrot from the Big Kahuna Actual is never good . . .
Kalsa't roared with laughter even more boisterously. "This terag'nan is the husband of the woman I shared a room with at Oxford University on Earth. Meet Captain Joshua Mantell, Starfleet Marines, of the House Mantell."
* * *
The post-premiere party was in full swing.
Josh took some gagh worms with a double-tined fork.
Kapek asked, "Do you need the salty crystals?"
Other Klingons laughed and made all manner of ribald suggestions, including Lady Kalsa't, who offered to breast-feed him--and hushed as Josh took raised the worms to his mouth.
Mantell bit the worms, and drank their blood, then chewed thoroughly and swallowed, forcing them down.
Kalsa't smacked Kapek on the back, hard. "You have good taste in friends."
Mantell said, "I think she likes you, Friend Kapek."
Kapek looked mildly embarrased and changed the subject. "You never told me you were married, friend Josh."
"You never asked. Roberta, after she graduated from Oxford, came out to Estancia Mantell to do some research on the famous Josh Mantell."
A senior warrior barked, "You think you're famous?"
"My six-times-great-grandfather is the famous one. I'm the good-looking Josh Mantell."
Josh's contacts flatly refused to provide a translation of the response, and Mantell said, "You curse well, sir."
"I'll drink to that!"
Mantell downed some more bloodwine and quietly wonder how well the medications would hold.
"Well, I got one look at Roberta, and I was instantly smitten."
Kapek laughed, smacked Josh on the shoulder, and roared, "Ah, you were so wronged when you were born a human, Friend Josh!"
Kalsa't said, "By terag'nan standards, Roberta is quite beautiful." She laughed in what passed for a light, feminine manner on Q'onos. "No accounting for taste, of course."
"Roberta . . . well, she wasn't quite feeling the same way at that point. So I decided one evening that I would try to impress her with my sincerity."
Captain Lyle asked, "What did you do?"
"Well, sir, I have to set the scene. One of the things I found instantly attractive is that Roberta, like me, loves actual hardcopy books instead of data padds and the like. There's something . . . emotionally satisfying, about handling paper and leather binding; so fragile, and yet able to enlighten or entertain. She had dropped hints to my older sister that a man should read love poetry to his intended. So I found a volume of Tarbolde's love poetry at a bookstore in Mojave, and I went to the guest house she was living in.
"I started reading Nightingale Woman, and she wasn't having any of it at first. She threw one of her reference volumes at me. But it was more like a toss, and I caught it, tossed it back to her, and this time she overhanded it with some power behind it; it left a mark. At that point, I decided to focus on two things: reading the love poetry, and ducking a lot."
Kapek and Kalsa't laughed, and other Klingons joined in, one thumping Josh on the back hard enough to dislocate a rib.
Kapek said, "I told you that you're a Klingon at heart, Josh! And any woman worthy of you would have to be one as well!"
Josh turned to Kalsa't and said, "On our wedding night . . . she told me that you'd put her up to it."
Kalsa't smiled and said, "She wanted to be sure you weren't the typical playboy, looking for something casual and transitory."
"Well . . . the next day, I escorted her at my nephew's baptism and the reception, and she saw that was a total softie around children. So, she realized that I might be husband material. That evening . . . we talked until sunrise. And as the sun came over the horizon, I asked for her hand in marriage."
Kalsa't said, "That's pretty much how Klingons seek to mate. The man reads love poetry while the woman claws at him, and throws heavy objects. And, as the first passions cool, they talk for a long time." She smiled. "It's symbolic of the journey of marriage; there is pain, there is pleasure, and we must accept them both by communicating with each other."
Kalsa't looked at Kapek and smiled. "A fractured clavicle on one's wedding night is considered a blessing."
Kapek choked on his bloodwine.
Mantell chuckled. "My father didn't exactly approve of her as a daughter-in-law--just as his father hadn't approved of my mother, actually--so we went to Las Vegas and got married . . . which merely continued a long-extant Mantell family tradition of midnight elopements and passionate marriages in flagrant disregard of everyone else's opinions. My father has slowly come to accept her . . . which is also a longstanding Mantell family tradition."
Kalsa't laughed uproariously. "Straight out of Aktuh and Melota!"
* * *
"Friend Kapek, I'm telling you, Lady Kalsa't likes you."
"Friend Josh . . . how do you humans say it? Something about her being out of my league? She is a Lady of a prominent House . . . and a stunning beauty by my people's standards."
"Friend Kapek, she was looking straight at you and talking about breaking a clavicle. Apparently, she doesn't think she's out of your league. She's telling you something. Even I could pick that up. Now go get a book of love poetry and read it to her. And duck a lot."
"Easy for you to say, Friend Josh. And what will you be doing?"
"Watching from a safe distance, drinking bloodwine, and laughing my ass off, Friend Kapek."
Kapek laughed and punched Josh's shoulder. "And that also is a proud and ancient Klingon tradition, my friend."
Mantell lifted a goblet of bloodwine.
"Qa'pla, Friend Kapek!"
Kapek clinked his goblet against Josh's. "Qa'pla, indeed, Friend Mantell."
THE END
My apologies Poobah! I mean this in the best possible way... you had me fooled...